Trading Places
by sinemoras09
Summary: Rick takes Eric Stoltz Mask Morty on an adventure. Doofus Rick and Morty babysit Jerry. Gen. Crack. No spoilers.


.

.

"Rick. I don't want to be left in that Jerry daycare again. Can you please just take me home?"

Once again, Jerry is in the backseat of Rick's spaceship. Rick sighs, annoyed.

"No can do, Jerry. W-w-we're too fucking far out to turn back now. This is what you get for hiding your gardening tools in my ship."

"Can't you just portal me back?" Jerry says. Rick snorts.

"I mean, technically, yeah I could portal you back. But we're in a cross-dimensional section of space, Jerry, it affects the accuracy of the portals. I-I mean, I could get you back to Earth, sure, but I might portal you in the middle of the fucking ocean or on top of a goddamn mountain."

"Well don't you have a genius hack for that?" Jerry says. Rick groans.

They land on the asteroid. They're about to walk into the daycare when Jerry says, "What about J-19?"

"The fuck?" Rick says, but Jerry pushes forward.

"You can aim that thing at your counterparts, right? Can't you just portal me to J-19's dimension?"

"Okay, first of all, Jerry, J-19's a dipshit, but he's probably got better things to do than babysit a Jerry. Second of all, fuck you, Jerry, I don't want to."

"Screw you," Jerry says. Rick starts filling out the paperwork.

Morty shifts, uncomfortably. "Um...I mean, maybe it's not a bad idea..."

Rick sets down the clipboard. "Seriously?"

"I mean, my dad was saying there's Jerrys that get stuck there permanently, and J-19 and my dad are friends, so-"

"Morty, do you know how much portal fluid it takes to portal? And do you know what it takes to make it? Half the shit is illegal and the other half is next to impossible to get, I'm not gonna waste it on a fuckin' playdate for Jerry."

"I mean, can't you just call J-19 on your sub-ether phone and ask J-19 to open a portal?"

Rick and Jerry glance at each other.

xXx

.

A portal opens in the parking lot. J-19 and Eric Stoltz Mask Morty step out, J-19 smiling broadly at them.

"Hi, Jerry!" J-19 says. Jerry's face lights up.

"Rick!" They run and hug each other. C-137 Rick rolls his eyes.

"Ugh. Come on, Morty," Rick says. J-19 motions toward Eric Stoltz Mask Morty.

"O-okay, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty. Let's go back with Jerry."

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty's face falls visibly. "That's it?" he says. "That's, that's the adventure? Just picking up a Jerry?"

J-19 spreads his hands. "I-I mean, even in this cross-temporal field, there's still the risk of detection by the Federation-"

"But we're standing outside of a daycare, Rick! W-why'd you even bring me here?"

"I-I thought you wanted to go off-world, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty," J-19 says. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty sighs loudly.

"Aw geez, Rick. I wish I could go with Terrorist Rick, you know. They're always going on cool adventures and stuff. I-I-I'm sick of sitting in the lab, you know?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty kicks a rock, frowning.

J-19 glances up at C-137 Rick, who's walking with his Morty to the spaceship. "You want me to ask him?"

"Huh?"

"You want me to ask him?" J-19 says again. "I-i-if it's not too dangerous and C-137 agrees, I'd be okay with taking Jerry's Morty."

"Really?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty beams at him.

xXx

.

Rick is about to board his ship when J-19 comes up to him.

"H-hey Rick?" J-19 says.

"Yeah?"

"W-w-where you guys going?"

"The Trollius System over in the gamma quadrant. Gonna harvest some psychotropic death mushrooms and a few crystals for my next experiment."

"Is it dangerous?" J-19 says.

"Huh?"

"Is it dangerous," J-19 says again. "The reason I ask is, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty's been itching to go on an adventure, but I-I don't go anywhere, and I feel kind of bad that he's got a boring Rick who doesn't need a Morty."

Rick opens his mouth to answer, but Eric Stoltz Mask Morty pushes in front of J-19.

"Can I please come with you?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says.

"The fuck?" Rick says, and J-19 starts, "Eric Stoltz Mask Morty-"

"I-I-I want to go on a real adventure! Please?"

"What? No. I'm not a fucking carnival ride, are you fucking kidding me?" Rick says.

"Sorry, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty," J-19 says. "You heard him. Let's go home and hang out with Jerry."

"Aw geez Rick, you never take me anywhere. I-I-I'm sick of sitting and staring at you in the lab. I'm sick of petri dishes. I-I-I want to go on death hunts and rob graves and stuff."

"You wanna reign in your Morty, J-19, or you want me to do it for you?" Rick says. J-19 raises his hands apologetically.

"Sorry, C-137," J-19 says. He turns to Eric Stoltz Mask Morty. "Eric Stoltz Mask Morty, you're being very rude."

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty turns to Morty. "You don't care, right?"

Morty blinks, "Um-"

"You're always going on adventures. Y-y-you wouldn't mind trading places, right?"

Morty hedges slowly, "I-I mean, I guess I could use a break and stuff," Morty says. He glances up at Rick and Jerry uncertainly. Rick crosses his arms.

"My Morty's been trained," Rick says. "Y-y-you know how to handle a plasma gun, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty? Can you fly a spaceship in an asteroid field under heavy fire?"

"...No," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. Rick grunts.

"Well there's your fuckin' answer," Rick says, and he motions toward Morty. "C'mon, Morty." Jerry storms up behind them.

"Wait a hot minute, Rick. What's this about plasma guns and taking fire?" Jerry says.

Rick groans. "Goddammit-"

"Rick, I don't think I want my son being subjected to that sort of dangerous adventure."

"Wha- c'mon, Jerry! We're just fucking getting some mushrooms, it's not fucking dangerous! I mean, it barely qualifies as being an adventure."

"So can I go instead of Terrorist Morty?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says.

"Dammit!" Rick says. J-19 slaps his forehead. Jerry puts his hands on his hips, frowning.

"Remember, Rick, we're Morty's parents. You know the new rules. You can't go anywhere with Morty without our approval."

"Aggh! Fuck! Alright! Whatever! Eric Stoltz Mask Morty. Get in the car."

"Really?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty's face lights up, to the horror of J-19.

"What did I fucking say? Get in the goddamn car," Rick says.

"Aw geez, Terrorist Rick, thank you!" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says.

"You better not get in the way, you fuckin' little shit," Rick says. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty beams at him.

J-19 raises a hand. "Um..."

"Nope. Too late. Go fuck yourself, J-19." Rick climbs into the spaceship and slams the door.

The spaceship rockets upwards. J-19 knits his fingers together.

"Did he say it was safe?" he asks Jerry.

xXx

.

In the spaceship, Rick and Eric Stoltz Mask Morty sit in silence.

"So...you're getting mushrooms, huh?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says.

Rick grunts. "Uh huh."

"A-a-and they're necessary for your experiments?"

Rick has a bored look. He clears his throat, then shifts positions, keeping one hand on the steering wheel.

"My Rick just works on cancer stuff," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. "Although, since he's already cured it, now we're working on artificial limbs and stuff."

Rick glances at him, then looks back at the windshield.

"I-I mean. It's a mechanical arm, but it works like a normal arm. He, he uses a computer algorithm as a go-between, you know, a-a-and it's noninvasive. It's based on EEGs and stuff."

Rick rolls his eyes and shifts his arm on the steering wheel.

"I-I mean, my Rick says it's the same as a native limb, i-i-it's actually pretty cool and-"

"Does it shoot plasma rounds?"

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty blinks. "Huh?"

Rick still looks bored. "Can the bionic hand be used as different weapons?"

"Um. I-I-I don't think my Rick makes weapons-"

"That's because your Rick is a dipshit Boyscout Rick. You wanna, you wanna see a real _urrp_ prosthetic limb? Take a look at this shit," Rick says, and he taps a button, the wrist of his hand opening to show several lasers attached to his arm.

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty's eyes widen. "Wow..."

"Yeah." Rick resets his arm. "Those artificial limbs can eat a big turd sandwich."

"W-w-what happened to your real arm?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says.

"Got chewed off by a half-human half-Froopyland hybrid."

"Geez."

xXx

.

In the J-19-Zeta-7 dimension, Jerry and Morty stand in J-19's garage, looking at J-19's spaceship.

"Hey, this looks a lot like Rick's," Jerry says. J-19 laughs.

"O-oh. Of course it does, Jerry! After, after all, I am still a Rick."

"Can I climb in?" Jerry says. J-19 nods.

"Sure, Jerry!" J-19 grins. They get into the spaceship, Morty in the back with Jerry in the driver's seat.

"Say, Rick," Jerry says. "You think you could teach me to fly this thing?"

Morty starts, "Um, Dad..."

"I mean, if a 14 year-old can drive it, it can't be that bad."

"Uh, I-I don't think that's a good idea, Jerry," J-19 says. "Outer space is a pretty scary place. That's why I'm watching you, Jerry. If it weren't, your Rick wouldn't have asked me."

"Wait, you think you're 'watching' me? Like I'm some sort of overgrown baby?" Jerry says. J-19 raises his hands.

"Oh gosh, I-I-I didn't mean to offend you, Jerry. I-I'm just saying, outer space can be a pretty unforgiving place-"

"Dad. Jerrys don't survive in outer space. Rick already told me," Morty says.

"I mean, can't we just do a quick drive? Like, to the moon or something? I mean, I can drive stick shift, it can't be too different from driving a car-"

"Dad, seriously, I-I don't think that's a good idea," Morty says. J-19 nods.

Jerry crosses his arms.

xXx

.

"Please Jerry, don't be mad, Jerry-"

"I'm not mad," Jerry says. He sounds mad.

"Jerry, I swear I'd let you if it weren't dangerous, Jerry. But I-I-I'm still a Rick, I'm wanted by the Federation-"

"I thought my Rick took down the Federation?" Jerry says. Morty shakes his head.

"That's just in our dimension."

Jerry rubs his head. "Well I thought you haven't committed any crimes? How can you be wanted by them?"

J-19 demurs, "W-well actually, half the stuff in portal fluid is illegal, Jerry. A-and technically, so is my technology."

"Well I mean," Jerry glances at Morty. "We do have a Morty."

Morty starts, "Dad..."

"And like my Rick said, my son is well-trained-"

"Dad, I-I'm with J-19, I don't think this is a good idea, Dad," Morty says.

"Well can't we just fly it in the sky or something? Or near Earth in a low-ish orbit?" Jerry says. J-19 considers.

"I mean. I-I guess we could fly, Jerry, so long as we don't leave Earth's atmosphere," J-19 says.

"All right!" Jerry says. "How do we start this puppy? I'm ready to have an adventure!"

xXx

.

"J-19 we're drawing fire!" Morty says.

The ship spirals, lasers shooting at them. Jerry cries out and grips the steering wheel.

"Dad, pull up!" Morty says. "Goddammit, Dad! Pull up! Pull up!"

"Sorry, Jerry!" J-19 shoves Jerry out of the way, grabbing the steering wheel.

Jerry fumbles in the passenger seat. "Rick-"

"Five cetons!" J-19 says. He flips a switch. "Engaging weapons systems!"

"Weapons systems?!" Jerry says. J-19 grips the steering wheel.

"Hold on!"

Morty and Jerry scream, the ship pitching forward violently.

xXx

.

The forest the mushrooms grow at is covered in a low mist, the foliage lilac-colored and the sky a stained a deep blue and orange. C-137 Rick and Eric Stoltz Mask Morty squat in the dirt, picking mushrooms, pausing a little to look up at the crescent moons and the rustling leaves above them.

"So, so are there any alien monsters, o-o-or Federation soldiers we need to take care of?"

Rick tosses a mushroom into a basket. "Nope."

"So we're really just...picking mushrooms?"

"Eric Stoltz Mask Morty. You're the one who wanted to go on this fuckin' adventure, okay. I-i-it's not my fault your Rick is hella lame."

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty rocks on his heels.

"Can you just, can you show me how to use that ray gun there?"

"Nope."

"How about, how about that anti-matter laser?"

"Nope."

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty picks a mushroom.

"This sucks," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. Rick tosses another mushroom in the basket.

"Yup."

xXx

.

"Get down!" J-19 says. They're crash-landed on an asteroid, hiding behind the spaceship. J-19 dives forward and shoots, ducking fire.

Morty yells, "W-w-w-why are they after us?!"

"Because I-I-I developed a new artificial limb, the Federation wants to weaponize the technology." More fire. They duck behind the spaceship, J-19 reloading.

Jerry yells. "Can't you just portal us out of here?!"

"W-w-w-we're in a cross-dimensional section of space! Portals aren't that accurate here!"

More fire. They duck down.

J-19 keeps shooting. "Morty! Buddy! Can you portal to C-137?!"

"What?!" Morty says.

"I-i-it can track a Rick's counterpart. See if you can portal to C-137!"

"But what if my Rick's caught in something worse?!"

"Oh my god," Jerry sobs. A Gromflomite disarms J-19, but J-19 lunges forward in hand-to-hand combat, whacking the bug with the edge of torn sheet metal.

xXx

.

"Wow," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. "These are...these are a lot of mushrooms."

Rick loads the bags up. "Uh huh."

They climb into the spaceship. Rick shuts the door as Eric Stoltz Mask Morty fastens his seatbelt. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty sighs heavily.

"What," Rick says. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty slumps, depressed.

"Sorry I bothered you, Terrorist Rick," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. "Y-you were right. I-I-I might as well have stayed with my Rick."

"I told you," Rick says. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty sighs.

"I-I-I just didn't realize, you know, that being with Terrorist Rick is pretty much like hanging out with my Rick."

"Wait, what?"

"A-all we did was collect mushrooms," Eric Stoltz Mask Morty sighs. "I-i-if I were with my Rick, you know, I could have at least, like, plated some cells and stuff. You wouldn't, you wouldn't even let me hold the bag."

Rick frowns. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty slumps, depressed.

They start to fly. Rick glances at Eric Stoltz Mask Morty again.

"H-hey man. Uh. I-it's usually not like this."

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty lifts his eyes listlessly.

"I-I mean, I gotta fuckin' reputation and shit. I-I can't have you bitchin' to J-19 about this."

Eric Stoltz Mask Morty shifts, looking out the window.

"So you wanna, you wanna go to Blips N' Chitz or something?" Rick says. "I-I'm not really looking forward to having to pick up Jerry. Y-y-you wanna kill some time?"

"What's Blips N' Chitz?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. Rick's eyes widen.

"Oh shit! You've never been to Blips N' Chitz?!"

"No. What is it?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. Rick turns on the thrusters.

"C'mon, Eric Stoltz Mask Morty. I-I-I'll show you."

xXx

.

They sit in the center of a bombed-out crater, surrounded by dead bodies and Jerry weeping inconsolably in the corner.

"Maybe...maybe I'm just a black cloud," Morty says. "Maybe I'm just destined to be in a shit show wherever I go."

"Gosh, I-I'm really sorry, guys," J-19 says. He's breathing hard and covered in scratches and blood, "I-I-I didn't think the Federation would find me."

"I thought Morty waves are supposed to camouflage you! Why the hell didn't they work?!" Jerry says. J-19 chooses his words, carefully.

"Um, don't...don't take this the wrong way, buddy, but i-it could be because your brain waves interfered with his."

"Are you saying my brain waves are like Rick waves?" Jerry says.

"N-not exactly. But there may have been some destructive interference, y-you know. Like maybe it decreased Morty's amplitude? I-I'm not really sure."

Jerry's lip trembles.

They get a call from Rick on J-19's sub-ether phone.

xXx

.

"Wait, you fucking took enemy fire?" Rick stares as J-19 ruefully tells Rick what happened. "W-w-why didn't you give that dipshit a synaptic dampener? Jesus Christ, you really are a fucking idiot. You could've whipped one up right in the cockpit!"

"Synaptic dampener?" J-19 is crestfallen. Rick nods.

"So how was your adventure?" Morty asks Eric Stoltz Mask Morty. Eric Stoltz Mask Morty grins.

"We went to Blips N' Chitz!"

"Aw, man," Morty says. "I-I was hoping to take a break, but then we got ambushed by a bunch of Federation goons, and your Rick got stuck in a fire fight protecting my Dad."

"My Rick got in a fire fight?" Eric Stoltz Mask Morty says. "I-I thought my Rick couldn't fight?"

"I mean...he's a Rick, right? I-I-I thought all Ricks could fight."

Rick snaps his fingers.

"Whatever you two are talking about, nobody gives a fuck. Morty, c'mon."


End file.
